


Not Like This

by kemnam



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Birth, Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Human Igneel, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 04:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12473604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kemnam/pseuds/kemnam
Summary: Natsu never thought that the day of his daughters birth would be so terrifying.





	Not Like This

This was supposed to be the happiest day of his life.

Or one of them. His wedding day was going to be pretty hard to beat, as well as the day that she had said yes. There were many days with countless moments that he considered to be the best day of his life. But today was special, nine months in the making. He had never been more excited to get the call. And yet...

Natsu never would have guessed that the day of his daughter's birth would be so terrifying.

Everything had gone so wrong so fast. One moment, she was gripping his hand with all her strength as she pushed and strained to bring their little miracle into this world. Natsu couldn't be more proud of Lucy than he was in that room, whispering encouragements to her and his heart racing in his chest. After six hours of labor, she was finally going to be here. He couldn't wait to meet her.

Her little cries made everyone in the room go silent. As the nurse delivered her to Lucy's arms - still connected to her mother - she and Natsu gaped down at the small baby. Her eyes were shut tight, but sparse little pale hairs covered her scalp. She whimpered and squirmed as Lucy held her to her chest. When she looked up at her husband, her tears of joy were mirrored in his. Natsu had leaned forward and pressed his forehead against hers, her sweat wetting his brow. Lucy's head fell back against her pillow, her hand squeezing his as he reached up his other one to gently stroke the baby's cheek. One of his daughter's tiny hands reached up and curled around his finger, clutching onto him for dear life. Natsu's heart had just about burst. He mumbled to Lucy how much he loved her, and she smiled back at him. They were a family at last. If only for a few brief moments.

Lucy's grip on his hand suddenly went slack. Her eyes slid closed and her breathing slowed. The doctor muttered something about blood, and that sent the room into a frenzy. Nurses scrambled about, one of them quickly snatching his daughter from Lucy and cutting her cord. As she was spirited off somewhere, another nurse placed her hand on his arm, politely but urgently telling him to leave. Natsu had panicked, brushing off the nurses hand and demanding an explanation. He had gently called Lucy's name as his hands massaged her palm, trying to get a reaction out of her. Two nurses had dragged him away from his wife, and he had been in too much shock to resist. She had still been smiling when he left the room.

Now, he sat in the waiting room with his hands busying themselves in front of him. The scrubs and showercap he had been wearing in the delivery room were discarded in another chair. How long had it been? An hour, maybe two? He looked up at the clock - ten minutes. Either way, he should have heard something by now.

"It'll be okay, Natsu," Gray said softly from his seat across from him. "Lucy's one tough chick, she'll pull through."

Natsu said nothing. As much as he appreciated his associate and friend coming to see him, there really wasn't anything he could say that would make Natsu feel better. The ball of nerves in his gut twisted into knots, his leg jumped frantically and his heart raced. He was about two seconds away from jumping up and charging back to the delivery room when a familiar voice called out.

"Son."

Natsu turned just in time to see Igneel walk into the waiting room. Standing from his chair, Natsu quickly crossed over to his father and embraced him, in turn allowing himself to be engulfed in the firefighter's muscular arms. The smell of Igneel comforted Natsu, if only a little bit. He could feel his father's heart beating against his own. Igneel hugged him tightly as Natsu barely fought off tears.

"What's happening?" Igneel asked, holding his son out at arms length. "How's the baby?"

Natsu took a shuddering breath. "The baby's fine. But Lucy was... Dad, I'm so scared."

Igneel simply pulled Natsu in for another hug, one hand cupping the back of his head while he muttered into Natsu's pink hair.

"It'll be okay, my son."

Natsu wished people would stop telling him that.

"Mr. Dragneel?"

Everyone looked up at the doctor that had just appeared from the double doors. Natsu hesitated before approaching the man, trying to read his face for any hints about what he was about to say. But the doctor was good at what he did, keeping his face strictly neutral. As Natsu stood before the doctor with Igneel and Gray lingering behind him, the man cleared his throat.

"I must congratulate you, Mr. Dragneel," the doctor said lightly. "You have a healthy baby girl. Our nurses are taking care of her right now and you should be able to see her soon."

That was a huge relief to hear. Gray and Igneel released massive sighs behind him. A smile split his lips and a small chuckle managed to eek out of Natsu's mouth. He was a father. His heart gave a small jump for joy.

"Now, concerning your wife, Mrs. Heartfilia, I'm afraid I have some bad news."

And just like that, the air suddenly turned cold, and his racing heart stopped.

"It pains me to tell you... we were unable to save her. I'm deeply sorry, Mr. Dragneel. We did everything we could."

The doctor spoke for a little while longer, but Natsu didn't hear him - something about "complications". The color drained from his world, and the strength was suddenly sapped from his limbs. Dropping to his knees, Natsu barely registered hearing Gray and his father call out his name as they rushed to his side. The doctor squatted down beside him as well, his stony expression finally cracked with concern. Natsu knew that they were all speaking to him, gently pushing his shoulder and trying to coax a response out of him... but Natsu had lost the will to respond.

This couldn't be happening. They were supposed to raise their daughter together, to take her home and introduce her to Happy and complete their little family. They were supposed to watch her grow and learn and become stronger. To help her and guide her and be there when she needed them the most. Her, and the other children they had talked about having. The two of them, together, for as long as they both shall live. His wedding ring sparkled from where it rested on his trembling finger.

"Can I see her?"

Natsu looked up at the doctor, who gazed back at him with a solemn questioning in his eyes. Natsu sat up a little straighter from his spot on the floor, speaking with more conviction.

"I want to see her."

The doctor only nodded and asked that he give them a few minutes to...clean up. Igneel and Gray had dragged him off of the floor and back onto a chair. They too, were shaken and silent by the news, fighting back their own tears as they sat next to him. Thankfully, it was the dead of night, so not many people were around to witness their grief. Natsu kept his eyes shut tight with his head hung between his knees, refusing to participate in a world without his Lucy in it.

The same doctor came back only a few minutes later, requesting Natsu come with him. Gray and Igneel asked if he wanted them to come along. Natsu tried to smile at them - he knew that this was hard on them, as well. Lucy and Gray had been best friends before he came along, and Igneel practically considered Lucy a daughter. Neither of those were easy things to lose. But he needed to do this alone.

The doctor led him back to the maternity ward, back to the same room that his daughter had been delivered in. The doctor held the door open for him. It took a few seconds for Natsu to muster up the courage to step through it.

They had laid a blanket over her waist and legs. Natsu couldn't say he wasn't curious about what was underneath - but the small spattering of red dots leaking through the sheet immediately quelled that. She looked like she was sleeping. Her belly was still large, like she was still carrying their child. But her smile was gone and she was just... too still. Natsu's feet carried him to her bedside without him realizing it, and suddenly he was staring down at her. The floodgates in his heart were threatening to burst. If only she would open her eyes and talk to him, tell him it would be okay. His hand reached out, gently clasping her hand that hung limply off the edge of the bed.

She was still warm. But even he could tell that her skin was beginning to cool.

The sobs broke out of Natsu before he could stop them. His knees were threatening to break under him again, so he leaned against the bed, practically lying next to her. His hand squeezed hers over and over again, their wedding rings clinking together. But her fingers never squeezed his back. She didn't open her eyes. Natsu called her name, begging her to come back to him. His voice was raspy and his breath wheezed out of him, his throat tight and his vision blurry. But he couldn't take his eyes off of her face, couldn't make himself accept that she wasn't going to wake up.

The doctor stood solemnly in the corner, watching with a heavy heart. When the orderlies arrived, he quietly told them to wait.

So many memories, so many dreams they had created and shared with each other... and so many more that had been waiting for them. Natsu's already shattered heart ached for those stolen moments, and not just his and Lucy's - but also her's and her daughters. His tears fell into her hair. Natsu never would have thought this day would come so soon. This was supposed to be years down the road, when they both were older than dirt, with lots of grandchildren and a slew of embarrassing stories to tell. The ten years that they had been married and the five years before that should have only been a fraction of their happiness, a sliver of the rest of their lives together. But now...

She was gone. And what was worse was Natsu hadn't even been there for her when she died. He hadn't even gotten to say goodbye.

It wasn't fair.

This was supposed to be the happiest day of his life.

Natsu silently wept until his tears eventually ran dry, but his grief only seemed to grow deeper. His throat was sore from the pressure of his emotions. He held her hand to his face, pressing her fingers to his lips. His eyes stung but he refused to blink, afraid she might disappear if he did. His other hand gently cupped her face, his thumb rubbing her cheek. Touching her made him feel slightly better. But now, Natsu felt as if he had been robbed - that Lucy had been robbed of a wonderful life with him and their daughter. His daughter had been robbed of a life with her mother. Natsu wanted to be angry, but he couldn't muster up the fire through his sorrow. He was not an angry person, and he knew there was really no one to blame for Lucy's death. Not the doctor, not Lucy herself, and certainly not their daughter. It was just... so cruel for all of them to end up this way. She had only gotten to hold her daughter for nine seconds, for god's sake. Lucy deserved much more time than that.

"Are you a religious man, Mr. Dragneel?"

Natsu looked up, having totally forgotten that the doctor was still there bearing witness to his breakdown. He switched his gaze to the man, blinking at him.

"No." Natsu gulped. "I'm not."

The doctor nodded. After a few seconds of silence, he spoke again, calmly and slowly. "I know there's nothing I can say that will make you feel better. I also know that losing a loved one is... is one of the hardest things to overcome."

Natsu looked back to Lucy, another bout of sobs building in his chest. There was no way he was going to 'overcome' something this devastating.

"I didn't know your wife Mr. Dragneel, and I'm not going to pretend to know you, either." The doctor took a couple of steps towards Natsu. "But I feel like you should know... that when she passed, she had a beautiful smile on her face."

Natsu stiffened at those words, because of course she had. Lucy never did anything without passion. It only seemed fitting that she would pass away in the same manner. As much as that knowledge saddened him, he also couldn't help but chuckle. What he would give to see her smile just one more time...

The doctor was now close enough to touch Natsu. He placed a hand on the mourning man's shoulders, and spoke softly.

"Would you like to see your daughter, Mr. Dragneel?"

Natsu looked up at the doctor, his eyes wide. Of course he did. But that would mean leaving Lucy's side, and he was afraid that if he did, then he would never see her again. The doctor seemed to see this, and smiled down at Natsu.

"She needs you right now." The doctor patted him gently. "I'm sure you need her, too."

He almost said no, that he wanted to stay. But Natsu realized that he had been in the delivery room crying out his woes for at least five minutes. That was five minutes that his daughter spent without a mother or father there to comfort her. Five minutes of her being completely alone... kind of like how he was, now. Natsu gave a shuddering sigh as he lifted himself from the bed. Lifting his hand to her face one last time, Natsu kissed Lucy's fingers as he slid her wedding ring off. Laying her arm gently back on the bed, Natsu looked Lucy over one last time, trying to sear her image into his head. She was so beautiful. What on earth was he going to do without her?

"Goodbye, Lucy." Natsu's voice was barely above a whisper. "Thank you... for everything."

Natsu leaned over his wife and planted another kiss to her forehead. She still smelled like sweat, but also like flowers and stardust and all the good things that Natsu had ever known. A couple tears slid unbidding from beneath his eyelids and landed on her cheeks. As he finally pulled back, Natsu trailed his hand down her arm. The doctor was holding the door open for him again. With all his strength, Natsu stepped through it, and left Lucy behind.

That seemed to make it real, all of a sudden. Lucy was gone, and she wasn't coming back.

Natsu slipped into a numbed state of shock, his mind loose within his skull. He stared down at the ring in his palm, glinting quietly in the florescent lights. With trembling fingers, Natsu slipped the ring onto the pinkie if his left hand. Lucy's fingers were so small, he realized.

"Right this way, Mr. Dragneel."

Natsu looked up, seeing the man heading down another hallway. Natsu followed, not allowing himself to look back. The doctor led him silently down another hallway that eventually exited the maternity ward. The lights buzzed overhead and his footsteps echoed hollowly against the linoleum floors. His mind was sluggishly transitioning from one thought to the next, though Natsu wished he would stop thinking all together. What was he going to do now? Was he even capable of raising a child on his own?

A sudden, far off sound cut him out of his thoughts, and he felt his mouth drop open.

They had arrived at the nursery. A large window set in the wall gave Natsu and the doctor a perfect view into the small room. Here, there were more windows lining the walls to allow in more natural light. But the windows were dark, and the occupants of the nursery were sleeping peacefully in their tiny beds. All of them - except for one. Even through the glass, Natsu could hear his daughter's squalls. His eyes went wide at the sight of her. He leaned forward, trying to get a better view, but only ended up knocking his head against the glass. The doctor was gracious enough not to laugh.

"I'm sure you can guess which one is yours."

Natsu nodded dumbly. A stranger could probably tell which baby was his. Natsu barely managed to tear his eyes away to speak.

"Can I hold her?"

The doctor considered the question, then looked up and down the hallway, as if afraid someone might see him do something bad. But they were alone. Reaching into the pocket of his scrubs, the doctor pulled out a ring of keys and key cards, stepping up to the card reader on the door that lead to the nursery. With a soft beep and a green light, the door clicked and swung open. As soon as it did, his daughter's cries became louder. It was a miracle she hadn't awoken the other babies.

The doctor lead the way into the room, heading straight for the moving bundle. Natsu followed into the doorway, but stayed within the entrance. A small area by the door had been cleared, occupied by a couple of rocking chairs and a changing station. He considered the rocking chair, and thought of the one waiting in the room he and Lucy had prepared for her back home.

"Here she is."

Natsu spun around. The doctor approached him, carrying a whimpering blanket in his arms. Natsu could hardly believe his eyes.

"Now, hold your arm out like a coat hanger, and then... oh." The doctor stepped back as Natsu expertly took the baby in his arms, supporting her back and head. Natsu never took his eyes off the infant, but must have known that the doctor was surprised by his actions.

"Lucy made me practice baby holding with a sack of flour."

That finally mustered a chuckle from the doctor.

Natsu turned slowly and crept to one of the rocking chairs, bouncing lightly as he did. Dropping into one of the chairs, he held the child before him. She whimbled and cried and struggled weakly against her blanket, but Natsu found he could hardly breathe.

She was wrapped in a light pink blanket, a small gray and white striped beanie capping her tiny head. Little pink hairs poked out from beneath the hat. She was clean now of all blood and slime, revealing delicate skin that was soft like a peach. She kept her eyes pinched tightly shut. Her small hands grasped the air. Natsu instinctively reached a hand up, giving her one of his fingers to hold. His daughter latched onto him, just like she had not thirty minutes ago when she had been born. As her tiny fingers curled around his, she immediately became calmer, her cries dying down to soft whimpers. Then, she opened her eyes.

Oh no, Natsu thought. Brown. Deep, pure brown. Not a fusion of green and brown, like he had been expecting, and not even flecks of gold, like Igneel had. Lucy's eyes stared back at him from the face of his daughter. Surprisingly, Natsu found himself relieved - if his daughter was too much like him, it would have truly seemed like Lucy was gone for good. The baby gazed up at him for a few moments before her toothless mouth opened once more to release a small wail. Natsu suddenly remembered his voice.

"Hey, it's okay." He crooned, his heels lifting up to start rocking the chair. "I've got you, my little firefly. I've got you."

She reacted to his voice, her head swiveling on her neck. He noticed that her arms were pushing down on her blanket. That was when Natsu realized how much heat she was giving off.

"She's really hot," Natsu spoke up. The doctor stepped up to him. "Is she okay?"

The doctor quirked an eyebrow at him, procuring a baby thermometer. Sticking the end of the thermometer under her arm, the doctor waited for the mechanism to beep. Looking at the device, the doctor gave a small smile at he returned it to his pocket.

"She doesn't have a fever, Mr. Dragneel. Probably just excited to be here."

Natsu huffed a laugh at that, returning his attentions to his daughter. The doctor softly said that Natsu could take all the time he needed as he turned to leave the room. Natsu called after him just after the doctor opened the door.

"Can I take her to see my father?" Natsu hated how whiny he sounded, but he was really afraid the man would say no.

"Of course," The doctor said. "Just, you know, don't leave the hospital with her."

Natsu cocked an eyebrow at that. As the doctor left them alone, his daughter continued to push at her blanket. Natsu puckered his lips in thought, then made his decision. Carefully cradling her between his chest and arm, Natsu unfolded the blanket from around her torso, freeing her elbows. Natsu saw goosebumps pop up on her skin, and was about to wrap the blanket around her again, until she seemed to settle down and rest. She was still clutching his finger.

Natsu took in the sight of her, how her brown eyes curiously took in the world around her. He felt a tug in his chest, and he couldn't tell if it was joy or grief pulling at his heartstrings. It was hard to feel sad in the presence of his beautiful baby girl, but Natsu almost felt guilty for being the only one of her parents in the room.

"Oh, Lucy..." Natsu felt tears prick his eyes. "You should be here."

His daughter looked up at his voice. She giggled at him, her smile finally making his heart burst. The air shifted, and the feeling in the room became strange. Natsu never took his eyes off of his daughter, but he swore he could feel her - he could feel Lucy's presence, like she was standing in the room next to him, her hand on his shoulder and happy eyes looking down on her daughter.

"Isn't she beautiful?"

A smile tugged at his lips even as the tears fell. "Yes, she is." His smile faltered. "What are we going to do without you, Lucy?"

Lucy didn't respond. Her presence faded, leaving Natsu alone with his baby. Natsu sat back and sighed, watching as her eyes slowly closed and her breathing slowed. He stared down at the tiny life bundled in his arms, the rest of the future beginning to dawn on him.

"Not gonna lie to ya, life isn't going to be easy, little firefly." Natsu mumbled. "But I'm gonna try my best for you, okay?"

His daughter stuck her tongue out.

"Giving me attitude already, huh?" Natsu cracked a smile. "You're just like your mother."

The little baby stretched herself out in her father's arms, and Natsu had never seen anything more adorable. The beanie on her head slid back a little, revealing a pale spot on her skin, just outside her hairline. It was in the shape of a star. Natsu stared at the birthmark, his mind going to the cross shaped birthmark he had on his hip. It was probably just a coincidence.

"Come on, little firefly," Natsu said as he stood. "Let's go meet your grandpa and loser uncle."

Natsu carried her through the hospital, back to the waiting room where Gray and Igneel still waited. Both of them shot to their feet when they saw him, eyes red and cheeks wet as they approached him. They stopped in their tracks when the blanket in his arms moved and cried out. Natsu smiled as the two of them crept closer and stared down at the small baby, who gazed back at them with her huge brown eyes. Gray whispered "oh my god" while Igneel remained silent, fresh tears of joy blooming in his eyes as he smiled down at the little girl. Natsu's own tears sprang forth.

"I'd like you guys to meet my daughter." Natsu smiled down at her. "Nashi Layla Heartfilia-Dragneel."

He and Lucy had pretty much agreed on her name, and Natsu had thought it was sweet to honor her mother in such a way. Igneel proudly gazed at his son, a sniffling sob making him wipe his nose. He stepped up to his granddaughter, his deep voice catching her attention as he spoke.

"Hello, princess." Igneel gently laid one of his giant hands on her head. "I'm your grandpa."

Nashi, already holding Natsu's finger in one hand, reached up with the other and squeezed his thumb. Igneel gasped at the touch, and for a second, Natsu thought that the big tough firefighter was about to faint. Natsu held his arms out invitingly. Igneel widened his eyes at his son, then carefully took Nashi from him. The baby was small enough to lay comfortably along one of the man's giant forearms, but he wasn't about to take the chance of dropping her. Nashi only complained a little, but settled quickly as the exchange ended. One of her tiny feet slipped out of her blanket.

"Congratulations, Natsu," Gray said with a smile. That smile quickly faded. "And... I'm so sorry."

Natsu put a hand on Gray's shoulder. "I'm sorry, too. I know how much she meant to you."

Gray and Natsu embraced, both of them taking comfort in their shared grief as Igneel continued to coo at Nashi. The little baby giggled up at him, her now free hand reaching up to snag in the man's brilliant red hair. Natsu and Gray separated, with Gray wiping a tear from his eye with a bark of laughter.

"If you need anything, Natsu." Gray said in a serious tone. "And I mean anything... please, don't be afraid to ask."

"Same goes for me, too." Igneel spoke up. "You know you can always turn to me and Grandeeny for help."

Natsu nodded, knowing full well how great his stepmom was with kids. Suddenly, the world didn't seem so lonely. His grief still sat heavy in his chest like a hot stone, but seeing the sight of his daughter being dotted upon by Gray and Igneel gave him hope. Yes, Nashi would grow up without knowing her mother, and that was a tragedy. And Natsu knew he was going to miss her so much that it might kill him slowly for the rest of his life. But, as Natsu watched Gray cup her little foot in his hand and Igneel kiss her head, he realized that it didn't mean she would grow up without love, or that he was actually alone. Things were going to be okay.

When Natsu looked back on this day, he would remember it as - in some shape or form - the happiest day of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So this is my debut story for AO3, but I've been active on FF.net for quite a few years (you can find me under the same username!) It was recommended to me that I expand, and so I have! I hope you all enjoy!


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